if i was to flesh out where i wanted to go when i lost my breath with that kiss, it would probably lean towards those stories in macho sluts - the top who walks into a bar and sees someone waiting for her attention...someone who needs her to do those horrible, intimate things to them.

but which perspective am i coming from? i guess i'm never sure if i want the hand or the throat to be mine, but maybe i want both, but can i ever be good enough at one to justify doing both?

you keep asking me for details, for words to tell ou what's happening in my head and i keep copping out, kissing you instead, falling asleep, leaving the bed. you know this, you see it and you call me out on it, and then i'm ashamed, but i don't know how to change it.

and maybe that's another cop-out, because i know i need to learn how to talk to you, and let you know where i'm at (so we can meet somewhere). and isn't that at least some vague knowledge of 'how to change it'?

and yes, sometimes i process with myself, online. fuck off.