reading posts about abortion, nowadays, can occasionally feel like hearing about someone else's problem. as a queer, i don't foresee any pregnancy scares - i don't have to worry about taking my pill, and if the latex of a glove rips i'm not counting back to my last period.

but sometimes, especially when reading a post that's especially well-written, or one that goes into the specific emotional trauma of an abortion, i remember. i remember that one boy and that one night and that one broken condom. i remember crying and being terrified and feeling like i had no control over my body, like i was being taken over. i cried again with relief when i found out that i could get the morning-after pill in the city and province i was in, but still didn't sleep until i could get it in the morning.

i journal because i feel sometimes like i'll forget my whole life if i don't write it down - but checking back through my journals from that year, i never mentioned it.

much as i love children, it's terrifying the way that anyone with a functioning uterus is at risk of having to go through this specific fear, and then be judged as a sinner and a killer and a slut for protecting their life as they know it.

a line's been running through my head -

'your body is a metaphor'

but i can't help but want to modify it...'and a machine, an animal, a trap.'

so funny the split that allows us to know that we're only flesh and blood but think so much better of ourselves..

i feel overwhelmed and not for any of the good reasons i could have - i'm tired of having numbers thrown at me and tidying the tangled logic of others. tired of being the responsible one, the one who's always organizing the next step, making the phone calls and confirming attendance.

i do it for pay, i do it for free and i can't manage it for myself.

i need friend cuddles and to not have to organise things for just a minute. i need to hang out with someone more like me in this respect than i am - but i only know one person like that and she's off limits.