ah, fuck.

this roiling anxiety feeling isn't going away, despite its apparent unfoundedness.

i just had the best weekend i've had in a long time, but i'm left today feeling like everything is out of control, nervous as hell about everything.

maybe it's because i just found out that there's nothing wrong with me.

since the age of 12 i've been told that i have a combined immunodeficiency - a situation in which one's immune system is not quite up to snuff: you tend to get a sick a lot, basically. today i was told that this diagnosis was in fact never made, and that though there is clearly something going strangely with my body, it has nothing to do with my immune system, which is perfectly 'normal'.

as the doctor (hilariously) put it 'you're a normal person having a problem, not an abnormal one'. i felt like saying 'what the fuck does normal mean to you?' but didn't. how many infections in a year is normal?

but i'm also weirdly, disconnectedly grateful for this: what you could call a reprieve, i guess. my immune system is fine. my lung capacity is at 115% of 'normal' (though apparently this doesn't preclude the possibility of exercise-induced asthma). my antibodies proliferate just as they should.

so what the hell? how, now, am i supposed to explain the way i fall ill constantly, tripping like shoelaces always undone into hacking & wheezing, or burning & pain?

+++++++

but this weekend was amazing, like remembering the things i've forgotten for the last six months: friends, pools, flea markets, dinners, trivia questions & random roadtrips.

and then there was that weird night last week that was straight out of last summer - hanging posters, drinking cocktails and making out shyly.

and now i wonder whether i read the signals wrong and whether i'll ever find out.

oh god.

there are just all these things making me nervous. my body feels out of whack, i'm feeling particularly aimless at work despite an abundance of rewarding projects piled on my desk. and listening to accounts of heinous situations (harassment at queer dance parties, inappropriate questions about gender..) makes my teeth chatter & arms break out in goosebumps & shakes more often than not.

and last night i dreamt...i dreamt of a lot of things, i think, but the main storyline was about being at a private school that was mostly boys, but with some girls, and some andro/butchy girls who were pegged as gay by bullying boys and harassed and eventually killed in the dream. i was left sobbing uncontrollably and screaming til my throat was sore in the dream, and then running through a huge airport on an island for hours, and finally realizing that my date to hang out with an unresolved ex-date was that night.

i woke up traumatized and aware of the fact that i'd yet to make a date to hang out at all with that person. and also hating the idea of biking up the mountain to do a lung function test.

later in the afternoon the ex-date texted me to see if i was available and now we're hanging out later. i just hope that the rest of it doesn't come true.

on the plus side my lung-testing person was awesome, and we talked about stupid gender expectations & how she raised her boy & girl-children to be able to take care of themselves, from laundry to relationships...and how surprised her (female) neighbour is when her husband does the laundry.

uh huh i'm feeling a bit disjointed, fine. how'd you know?

also last night, i had beer with an old friend who also happens to have been the long-term high school sweetheart of my current love. tiniest world ever, oui? oui.