ah, fuck.

this roiling anxiety feeling isn't going away, despite its apparent unfoundedness.

i just had the best weekend i've had in a long time, but i'm left today feeling like everything is out of control, nervous as hell about everything.

maybe it's because i just found out that there's nothing wrong with me.

since the age of 12 i've been told that i have a combined immunodeficiency - a situation in which one's immune system is not quite up to snuff: you tend to get a sick a lot, basically. today i was told that this diagnosis was in fact never made, and that though there is clearly something going strangely with my body, it has nothing to do with my immune system, which is perfectly 'normal'.

as the doctor (hilariously) put it 'you're a normal person having a problem, not an abnormal one'. i felt like saying 'what the fuck does normal mean to you?' but didn't. how many infections in a year is normal?

but i'm also weirdly, disconnectedly grateful for this: what you could call a reprieve, i guess. my immune system is fine. my lung capacity is at 115% of 'normal' (though apparently this doesn't preclude the possibility of exercise-induced asthma). my antibodies proliferate just as they should.

so what the hell? how, now, am i supposed to explain the way i fall ill constantly, tripping like shoelaces always undone into hacking & wheezing, or burning & pain?

+++++++

but this weekend was amazing, like remembering the things i've forgotten for the last six months: friends, pools, flea markets, dinners, trivia questions & random roadtrips.

and then there was that weird night last week that was straight out of last summer - hanging posters, drinking cocktails and making out shyly.

and now i wonder whether i read the signals wrong and whether i'll ever find out.