a) whiskey + earl grey cream + pseudoephedrine + ibuprofen + guru + poppers + more whiskey + sambuca = most extreme dance moves of my life.

b) (scene: i'm leaning against the wall outside the unity washroom, waiting for marina. a gym queen fag comes up and leans against the wall over me)
gqf: c'est quoi ton prénom?
k: kat...
gqf: quoi?
k: kat.
gqf: c'est un nom de garçon?
k: (shrugs)
gqf: oh, t'est une fille?
k: (shrugs)
gqf: scuse!
k: (shrugs, smiles, sees marina & goes back to the dance floor)

too late to say anything, really.

i got this letter, just now. and it tapped right into this feeling that i have, that i've been fighting: that i'm chickening out. that i'm walking away from these hard situations, when i know i could keep fighting and keep working and maybe, maybe things might get a bit better.

i know they're not analogous. i know that being on a board is not the same as being in a relationship. i know that if something is consistently detrimental to my emotional state it is not a cowardly thing to walk away from it.

so why am i having such an intense guilt-induced anxiety reaction? i talked about this thing i do a while ago, here: this feeling that i can't forsake a commitment because how will they get on without me? it's egotistical and ridiculous. i need to let go of it.

i just feel so irresponsible. fuck.