i haven't written in so long - here or in my book, but i feel like a lot has happened.

this is the part where i get terrified when i don't write things down: i can't remember anymore what's been said and what hasn't.

we had an extensive check-in last weekend, but so much has happened since then i can only remember bits of it: talking about how sometimes being unproductive is self-care; that i'm worried about my lack of communication and how frustrated it makes you; and that's all, i can't remember all the rest of those words that we exchanged and then let go and then were blown around by the fan.

and then this past week i've been working so hard, it feel like, to find some kind of balance between dates with friends and dates with you and work and meetings and feeling like i'm doing something productive with my life. and whenever you ask me to come visit i'm on my bike and pushing up the hill in a second, but when i ask you to come to my home you're so reluctant it's like pulling teeth.

and maybe this is all that i deserve for my lack, but it doesn't feel good. or maybe i'm especially sensitive today, and projecting, but it's hard not to sometimes. i feel like our connection is so weak occasionally: static disrupting our words.