i think i write better on a typewriter.

maybe because pressing the buttons is so much work on mine (leading me to hunt & peck with a ferocity otherwise reserved for...biking uphill? fucking (on some days)? catching up to the car that just nearly killed me? i'm not ferocious that much in my daily life) that my words are chosen more carefully. maybe the knowledge that they'll sit in the open, scrolling out of my typewriter & not hidden away in ones & zeroes on the internet.

i've forgotten how to edit, i think. too much journaling of tiny details, dreamed-up landscapes & imagined eye contact, letters not received & postcards not sent.

***

i figured out what was so familiar about that person i'd never met before. their voice & the way they use words echo almost exactly those of that ex-friend-date-questionmark of mine & it's frightening how soothing it is. i keep having to remember that they're not the same person & that i don't know them at all.

***

& yes, i am going to do the 25 things, but not on that social networking site, because i am a true rebel.

1. i have had a headache for 24 hours now despite

2. the fact that i slept 12 hours last night.

3. sometimes i find myself fetishizing my own catholic upbringing

4. last night i dreamt (through my headache) of being on t, & had a vivid mental image of what i would look like

5. i always want to be invited over. feeling uncertain about one's welcome is, in my books, one of the worst things.

6. i'm thinking about stopping drinking, for a long but not forever period.

7. i always want there to be a purring cat in my room when i go into it.

8. i used to never dream, and now i have very intense & detailed dreams most nights. starting about 6-8 months ago.

9. all of my father's children are queer

10. i could probably wear a collared shirt & tie most days & be extraodinarily happy about it.

11. as long as i don't have to wear dress pants. because i hate most pairs of dress pants i've met.

12. but i don't mind suits, & in fact love some suits.

13. i've spent a lot of time in hospitals

14. i used to only have two siblings & now i have four

15. also: i used to have no grandmother, & now i have one.

16. i love living on the street that i do & all of the lovely queers who also live there. i love walking around & running into people i know.

17. i built a harry potter fan-site when i was in grade 7. i can't find it anymore, i think that the internet ate it.

18. i'm apparently unduly affected by what people on the craigslist w4w section think of me.

19. i'm not sure what i'll do about my extreme love of dance parties if i stop drinking. learn how to dance without alcohol, i guess? i think that sounds a bit pathetic & it is one of the reasons that i think i should maybe stop drinking for a second.

20. i still miss my ex-bestfriend & wonder how she's turned out.

21. i've played rugby for quebec, for ontario, for my university & for my high school. rugby is/was one of my routes, & i think i might start playing it again soon. maybe.

22. on a related note, i have a bone out of place in my foot that just kind of sticks straight up, thanks to rugby-induced injuries. sometimes it hurts.

23. i am (almost) always surprised when i find out that someone is younger than i am. apparently in my head i'm about 18.

24. i've broken my nose three times

25. i'm bad at finishing things, sometimes.