you know how there are some conversations/snippets of interaction that you want to remember?
lately i've been so bad at writing down all the things i want to remember and it makes me feel lost. i always want to be able to open my book and look at the things that happened, read my story like it's someone else's.

i just finished and handed in this zine on femme invisibility/the privileging of andro/masculine identities in my queer community, and as soon as i finished it i wanted to change it so much.

i want to do some intense thinking about anti-racism and how it fits into how i live: not whether it should, since it obviously should, but how it does now and what i can change. i want to curl up and read books and books and books.

book club book club book club summer! i want it.

meanwhile, lately i've felt a) like i'm falling apart. sinusitis, UTIs, antibiotics, yeast from antibiotics, coughs, allergies, headaches from new glasses, stress and b) so collected. like i processed without crying, without even feeling sad, yesterday, about something that lately has made me angry whenever i think about it.

but collected only lasts as long as the person who's been keeping me grounded stays around, maybe.

and last night ze ducked out for a second, and this intense connection we've had lately flickered like the lightbulb i watched burn out three days ago, a flash like droplets of light falling and then gone. that was the lightbulb, but hopefully not us.

today is dean spade and i'm so so so excited. all i've done lately (ok, definitely not ALL i've done) is read his writing online and it's made me think so much about anti-poverty, class attitudes, law stuff. shhiiiit. so smart.